My 8-year-old daughter was mocked at school for carrying an old military backpack, the only thing we had left of her father. I asked the school for help, but they just said she needed counselling. A week later, her teacher called and told me, “You won’t believe what they did.”
My daughter was six when the officers came to our house to tell us my husband had been killed in action overseas.
Alice didn’t cry at first. She just sat there, holding onto his military backpack; the only thing of his they’d brought home for us.
It was worn and sun-faded. The straps were starting to fray at the edges, and there was dried dirt caught in the stitching.
“Daddy carried this,” Alice whispered as she clung to the backpack.
She’s eight now. And for one year and nine months, that backpack has gone everywhere with her.
My husband had been killed in action overseas.
At first, I thought it was a phase, part of her grief process. So I let her keep it close.
We adjusted the straps as far as they could go, but it was still too big for her.
I tried to replace it once.
I took her to the store and showed her rows of backpacks with glittering stars, unicorns, and sequins that changed color when you brushed your hand over them.
“What about a new backpack? These are cute,” I said carefully.
She looked at the shelves, then curled her fingers around the straps of her dad’s backpack.
I thought it was a phase.
“I want this one. It was Daddy’s. It still smells like him.” She paused. “He called me Alice-bug.”
I bit my lip. “I remember.”
She ran her fingers over a torn patch on the side. “I think he’d want me to keep it.”
That was the end of that.
I knew the backpack might be an issue at school. Kids can be mean.
I just didn’t know how ugly it would get.
That was the end of that.
For the first couple of months, it was only looks.
Kids would stare when she got out of the car.
Then they started whispering.
Then a boy laughed one day and pointed at the bag.
Every afternoon, I would ask, “How was school?” and every afternoon she would shrug and say, “Fine.”
But it all took a turn for the worse when she started second grade.
A boy laughed one day and pointed at the bag.
One day, she stood in the kitchen doorway and said, “Mom? A girl pointed at my backpack today and asked why I was carrying a trash bag.” She frowned and hung her head. “She said my parents must be poor.”
“Who said that?”
She shrugged. “Just a girl.”
“What did you say back?”
“Nothing.”
The next morning I went to the school.
“A girl pointed at my backpack today and asked why I was carrying a trash bag.”
I told her teacher and the counselor about the comments. I told them Alice had lost her father. I told them the bag mattered.
The counselor gave me a sympathetic smile.
“Children notice differences,” she said. “Sometimes the easiest way to help socially is to reduce the thing that makes them stand out.”
I stared at her. “You mean the backpack.”
The teacher folded her hands. “It may help her fit in better.”
I told her teacher and the counselor about the comments.
“And if she is very attached,” the counselor added, “that may be something worth exploring in counseling.”
That was the moment I knew they weren’t going to do anything to help Alice. Yes, she needed to cope with her grief, but they were using it to divert attention from the bullying.
They were telling me to fix my daughter instead of finding ways to address the cruelty of other children.
I left feeling sick.
The comments got worse after that.
They weren’t going to do anything to help Alice.
One afternoon, Alice came home and went straight to her room without even saying hi. I followed her halfway down the hall.
“Baby?”
She stopped. “A girl asked if I use a trash bag for school because I live in a dumpster.”
She went into her room and shut the door.
What happened next changed everything…
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